Number 10 is a regular occurrence in my office. Number eight is also pretty popular. And number three grosses me out because I wash my coffee cup every day with the nasty sponge in the kitchen sink.
As an office-dweller by day, I understand the need for quick identification of workplace perils. The cubicle jungle can be a dangerous place, and it’s best for all of us if you’re aware of the potential dangers. Please consider this a brief field guide for those of you new to the office:
- Do not drink the office coffee. By definition, office coffee is terrible.
- Never shake hands with “that guy” who goes to the bathroom and doesn’t wash his hands.
- That sponge in the kitchen/break room? It’s roughly 4 years old and there is stuff growing on it for which there is no cure.
- Never touch a co-worker’s computer unless instructed to do so. I’ve seen people killed for less.
- Alt-Tab (or the OS X equivalent) is the most important keystroke ever.
- The best friend you can make in an office is the person with the most food stashed in their desk drawers.
- The printer/fax machine/copier will fail when you need it most. There are no exceptions to this rule. (see Office Space for more details)
- Every field has a way of needlessly working its jargon into normal conversation (for example, IT people use “bandwidth” where they mean “free time” and “ping me” where they mean “send me an IM, please”). Please don’t do this.
- If you ask a coworker about the children’s drawings on his/her cube wall, prepare to be there for the rest of the day. No one loves to talk about their children more than cube trolls.
- Beware the Meeting Hydra. Nothing in the office is scarier, or more deadly, than the meeting that spawns other meetings. Nothing.
This is Office Perils 101 level stuff, and while you should always be on the lookout for the things on this list, realize that each office has its own unique perils.
Best of luck brave office newbie. I hope to see you on the other side.
